Worst ... and the best!

August 12th, 2019 marked three years since I left to head to California for an internship at a church there. At the time when I left, my husband and I were on the same page … at least so I thought. When we were praying about this, the Lord gave me one word … “reset.” I believed that God was using this to reset our marriage, which was in definite need, even though we were on good terms when I left. This internship was a “miracle” for me … at least so I thought. Almost immediately, I realized that the internship was a flop, but both my husband and I heard from the Lord that I was to stay in California. The Lord told me that I would be as certain of the time to return as I was to go there. So, I stayed, in faith. I assure you, this was very difficult for me. God was stretching me like I had never been stretched before. The good from my six months in California is that I did hear the Lord to stay, and I had a wonderful opportunity to be a Christian witness to female refugees from Afghanistan. It was a wonderful experience that I still support and look back on as a win, win situation. The bad news that came was when I knew it was time to return to Arkansas. It didn’t happen at all the way I expected. My husband called me to tell me he was divorcing me. He had led me to believe that he was coming out west for a vacation. I was planning a vacation … he was planning a divorce. 

Well, I said it had been three years. A lot has happened in these three years. In all honesty, they have been the worst three years of my life … the worst … but yet, in some ways, the best. (Some days that’s difficult to say!)

You see a little over 25 years ago, I had packed my bags for myself and my baby son. I was going to leave my husband. I couldn’t take it any longer. He has what we now know to be Narcissistic Personality Disorder … among other things. Things were bad. I was not only a young mother, but a young Christian. I had everything packed in the car that I was planning on taking and headed back into the house to get my son to leave for good. On my walk inside to get my son I heard the Holy Spirit simply tell me to “stay.” I didn’t doubt at all what I heard. I chose obedience, unpacked the car, and stayed. It was years later before my husband ever knew that I had planned on leaving him.

The next nearly three decades were very difficult. It’s challenging for me to find good things throughout that time. It was like walking on eggshells every single day.

A few months before our son was born, the Lord impressed upon me to stay home with him … something that I had not planned on doing. I had a decent office job and had been offered a buyer’s position at a retailer upon my return to work. I turned down the job. I chose obedience. God used this time to stretch me. He showed me how to trust Him for finances now that we were a young family on one income. He showed me how to rely on Him to be a good wife and mom. And, He took this time to heal me from a challenging childhood. When my son was born, I was a baby Christian. I was insecure and had no self worth. I had been controlled by family members and then by a husband. God used this time to break those chains off of me and gave me a sense of self worth. He taught me who I am in Him … a child of the Most High God.

I can tell you those years were challenging … actually, more than challenging! Imperfectly, because no one is perfect, I did the best that I could. My husband travelled A LOT, so I pretty much raised our son by myself in his younger years. But, when he was in junior high my husband was home more. At that time I knew that the marriage was going down hill and pleaded with him for our relationship … to no avail. Please know that I don’t say these things with any harshness. I say it because it is simply the truth. (I will get to a point later in this blog.) And, numerous times over those many years, I would silently plead with God to let me go. Again, the answer was for me to stay. Since God told me to stay, I totally believed that He was going to heal and restore our marriage … completely. I say that with all sincerity! That never happened and it never will. Instead, things just kept getting worse and worse, especially after our son graduated from high school. What I was fighting against all those years ago when my son was in junior high totally unfolded before my eyes over the next several years.

So three years ago, due to the leading of the Lord, I went to California. My husband called and said he was divorcing me. At the end of that phone call, God gave me the sign that ensured that it was time to go back to Arkansas. The divorce happened very quickly! But, I knew that God had ordained this. NO … God hates divorce, don’t get me wrong. (Malachi 2:16) This is why He had me stay for so long. God DID want to restore our marriage, but it takes two dedicated people. The divorce didn’t come from me. It came from my now ex-husband. And, it has been one of those terrible divorces that you hear about or see in a TV program on the Lifetime network. I assure you the last three years have been the worst of my life. I have endured things that I never could have dreamed up. (1 Corinthians 7:15)

I say all of this to tell you that even though they have been the worst years ever … at the same time … in some miraculous ways … they have been the best. 

Choosing to be a stay at home wife/mom all those years ago, left me with little to no paid work experience, but that has been God’s plan all along. You see, I’ve been working forward to ministry … advancing God’s Kingdom … which is why this road has been so challenging. God has used this time to stretch my trust, my faith, and my belief in Him. He has taken me from one experience to another over the past several years by the leading of the Holy Spirit. This has not been easy. It’s been far from a “walk in the park.” 

But God … 

His ways are not like our ways. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

I have been divorced for a little over two years now, but am still not totally free from all ties with my ex-husband. When I left California, I was in a situation where I was going to be put out with little to nothing as quickly as possible. I had no idea what I was going to do. But you see, God wasn’t surprised by any of this … not at all. He already had a plan and I assure you it has not gone anything like I thought it would. (Jeremiah 29:11)  What and how the enemy was trying to do me in has not and will not come to pass! (Isaiah 54:17) God has kept me in the house that my ex-husband and I own together for the past two and and a half years without any money out of my pocket … zero, nada! God has also seen to it that I have money to live on … not a lot, but all my needs are met. He has exceeded my dreams so far by allowing me not one, but two trips to Australia for worship conferences there … everything totally paid, 100%! He has increased my profit from the selling of this house … no matter what it sells for! He has taken care of the severe carpal tunnel syndrome that I had in both hands for many, many years with surgery a year ago. Most importantly, he is healing the trauma of the past three decades. I could go on and on. (Philippians 4:19) I am totally bragging on God because He deserves it! 

Now, I’d like to tell you that I have sailed through this with perfect faith, trust, and belief in God … but, I’d be lying to you if I did. I can tell you that there have been plenty of days that I thought I would “throw in the towel” for ministry just to get some of the pressure off. But, deep down, I knew that I would be making a tremendous mistake if I did. In fact, I have struggled with trusting God at times. I have struggled with faith at times in knowing that all things will work out for the good for those who love God. (Romans 8:28) I have said, “God, I believe you, but help my unbelief,” very, very often. (Mark 9:24) This has not been an easy road and I will not play it down and pretend that it has been. I’m not perfect. And, don’t believe anyone who leads you to believe that they are, either! 

Deep down, I know that God did not have me go through three decades of troubling times (in marriage alone, not including my childhood) just to lead me to more troubling times. God will not do that. It’s not in His character. (Numbers 23:19) I may have struggled through the past three plus years in this stretching and growing process, but God sees my heart. (1 Samuel 16:7) That first year that I stayed home with my son, I laid myself prostrate on the floor and told God that I was a woman after His heart. (1 Samuel 13:14) And, I still do that from time to time … to remind myself. God believed me and is holding me to it … hallelujah!

So yes … these have been the worst three years of my life. But … they have been the best in a lot of ways. God has, even long before the divorce, given me glimpses of the future. He has given me glimpses of the future during these three years. He will not lead me astray, let me down, leave me, or forsake me … or you! (Proverbs 3:5-6, Deuteronomy 31:6)

It is so exciting to know that life is going to be different soon. Troubles or trying times will never go away completely as long as we’re this side of Heaven. (John 16:33) But, I know that I know that it is going to be good … soon.

Worst … and the best.   

Transparent and Patient

A few years ago, the Lord led me to a woman who had just given her life to the Lord. She was in her fifties, but was literally a “baby Christian,” which is not uncommon at all. When I met her, she was practically in tears simply because the people at her church were not being very nice to her. They  were offended by the way she looked, and quite frankly were not understanding about her background. She had come out of a very abusive relationship and was in the midst of a divorce. To protect her identity, I’ll refer to her as “Mimi.” I had a conversation with Mimi and kindly let her know that Jesus loved her and that the way she was being treated wasn’t right, nor was it the way Jesus would treat her. We ended up spending several hours together over the next several weeks.

I have to tell you, I have been through a lot in my life, but I definitely could not relate to all that Mimi had been through. But, to the best of my ability, I relied on the Lord to lead me, which He most certainly did. God knew all that she had been through and led and guided me as to how to communicate and interact with her. (After several months, God led our paths went in different directions and I haven’t heard from Mimi in nearly three years.)

Now, I say all of this because of a few situations in my life that remind me of Mimi’s situation. 

Over the past two years, I have been healing from a very trying marriage of 27 years and a bitter divorce. I was married to a man who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), among other issues. Prior to my marriage of 27 years, my childhood was not he easiest, either. It wasn’t the worst you would ever hear of by any means. But trust me, it was far from the best. I say this with total respect of my parents and extended family. No family is perfect. All families have dysfunction. It’s just a matter to what degree the dysfunction is.  

With that said, God has done a lot of healing in my life … a lot. But, there will always be something for me to work on in my life this side of Heaven … always something. It has been my habit for many, many years to ask God to “take out of me what He doesn’t want in me and to fill those voids with Himself.” God is very faithful. I assure you, I am not the person I once was. Jesus, by the Holy Spirit, has transformed me, and is continuing to transform me into the person that He created me to be.

Recently, the two year “anniversary” of the divorce happened, but because of circumstances that are completely out of my control, I am unable to completely be “departed,” if you will, from my ex-husband. The house that we own together is still my home until the house sells. It has been just shy of 23 months and the house has not sold. This has been a very challenging time for me. I want to move on from here physically and geographically, but God is not ready for me to do that yet. It has been time where He has used the circumstances to heal me of the very challenging times/events of the previous 3 decades. I assure you that this has been the most challenging time of my life … hands down! God has used this time to not only heal me, but what I like to call, “refine my friends list.” In nearly every aspect of my life, if not every aspect, He has allowed nearly everything but basic essentials to be stripped away from me. Now, I don’t say this in a way of complaining. I say it simply because “it is what it is.” A walk in the park would not accurately describe my life in general, let alone the past 2+ years. On one hand, looking at the big picture, I can see why God is doing what He’s doing/allowing. For His Kingdom purposes, because of the call on my life, He has allowed this “refining process.” Now … on the other hand, I can tell you I’m doing the best that I can just to get through this with a good attitude. (which doesn’t happen every day! LOL)  This isn’t just about the recovery of a terribly harsh divorce. This is a “wrapping up of the past five decades of my life” … “the end of a season” … to enable me to move on to fully do God’s will for my life. He has given me many gifts to use for the advancing of His Kingdom which is a ministry to help those who are in the same or similar situations that I have experienced. To coin a phrase that I heard someone else say once; “God is the ultimate recycler.” This is so true. If we allow Him, He will use the situations/events of our lives to help others.

Now … I mentioned that He has allowed many things, including people to be taken from my life. This has been challenging because I don’t always have someone to talk to … vent … or as a sounding board so that I can work things out in my heart and mind. I write and journal, but because God created us for community, the need/want for interaction with other human beings is very real. I have found this process as difficult as my friend Mimi that I mentioned earlier. I have found that the majority …not all … of the folks that I have spoken to:  1. Don’t have time and don’t want to have time for me. 2. Even if they do take time, they don’t really want to listen. They want to “fix” me. Although I see that they care, they don’t have the answers, and I don’t expect them to. 3. They can only see things the way they want to see them and, in turn, end up judging me … which actually makes me feel worse than when I began my conversation with them.

I actually believe that this is something that God wants me to experience. I saw this happen with Mimi, but I didn’t actually experience it. I am experiencing it now.

It’s not our job to “heal” people. It’s our job to be “conduit” to allow the Holy Spirit to go into the lives of others and heal them. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again and again; It’s our job to love others and let God be God in these situations. No two people are alike. No two “same/similar” situations are alike. This is why we need God to take control and heal us by the Holy Spirit. Only God knows what a person needs. When “religion” puts certain situations in a “box,’ so to speak, it’s being done wrong. I say that respectfully! God has many different ways to heal us. What He does with one person, He may not do with the next person. Like Mimi, many of us have had traumatic situations from the day we were born. My first traumatic memory is from age 3. Now, we all have things in our lives that require healing. Respectfully … if anyone believes that they don’t, they are either lying or in denial … period. Some people have fewer things. Some people have a plethora of things. Sometimes God heals things in a hurry … almost instantly. Sometimes He heals things in layers. I believe I’ve experienced both of these ways. But mainly He heals me in layers … beginning at the outer shell, much like those Russian nesting dolls we’ve all seen. You look and see only one wooden, painted doll, but when you pick it up you realize there’s something more inside. You take the outer shell off, only to find another smaller doll inside … and so on and so on … until you get to the tiniest doll inside. Like the removing of the larger dolls to get to the tiniest doll inside, God, over time, will remove one shell or layer at a time … in His timing and in His way … contrary to the way most Christians handle the issues in the lives of others. Most people usually want instant results.

We must choose to be sensitive. We must choose patience. We must choose to allow the Holy Spirit to work. Again, we are not the healers. We are only the conduit for the Holy Spirit to work. And, we need to be there for people. This takes time and practice.

I have had several people that God has placed in my life even while going through the difficult times of the past 2+ years where I have had to choose sensitivity and patience, and allowed the Holy Spirit to work. Of course I’m not perfect and have made mistakes. That’s part of the growing process. We have to take steps forward for growth even if it means making mistakes here and there. That’s just part of life. When I see my mistakes, I admit it and give apologies. There is nothing wrong with being transparent, either … nothing. I assure you that people are much more responsive to transparency than they are to being superficial. When my son was growing up, I apologized to him when I made mistakes, not if, but when. I admitted to him when I was wrong. This fostered a relationship where he was not afraid to be honest with me. We need more of this within the church.

Folks, Jesus gave up Heaven to come to this Earth so that He understood, first hand, what we go through. He is there for us in all situations and wants us to be there for others. He is so very patient with us. His grace is sufficient for us in all situations. 2 Corinthians 12:19 I assure you this is not always the easiest thing to realize, fully understand, and/or utilize whether dealing with my own issues or walking with someone through their issues, especially when things are very challenging. But … in order for the church to function as God wants us to, we must purposefully tear down the walls of being superficial and risk being transparent. We must intentionally choose to learn patience. As a follower of Christ, I challenge you to these things in your own walk. It’s the only way to truly reach others for Christ. When we, as the church, pretend that all is well, we actually repel those who are seeking God. We are all broken people who make mistakes whether we admit it or not. We must remember that we are imperfect people who carry a perfect God inside us.

Choose to be transparent.

Choose to make yourself available for others.

Choose to have patience.

Choose to admit that you may not know something.

Choose to allow God to do things His way.

We are not “Holy Ghost Jr.” as Joyce Meyer says. Allow God to work through you as you are there for others.