Worst ... and the best!

August 12th, 2019 marked three years since I left to head to California for an internship at a church there. At the time when I left, my husband and I were on the same page … at least so I thought. When we were praying about this, the Lord gave me one word … “reset.” I believed that God was using this to reset our marriage, which was in definite need, even though we were on good terms when I left. This internship was a “miracle” for me … at least so I thought. Almost immediately, I realized that the internship was a flop, but both my husband and I heard from the Lord that I was to stay in California. The Lord told me that I would be as certain of the time to return as I was to go there. So, I stayed, in faith. I assure you, this was very difficult for me. God was stretching me like I had never been stretched before. The good from my six months in California is that I did hear the Lord to stay, and I had a wonderful opportunity to be a Christian witness to female refugees from Afghanistan. It was a wonderful experience that I still support and look back on as a win, win situation. The bad news that came was when I knew it was time to return to Arkansas. It didn’t happen at all the way I expected. My husband called me to tell me he was divorcing me. He had led me to believe that he was coming out west for a vacation. I was planning a vacation … he was planning a divorce. 

Well, I said it had been three years. A lot has happened in these three years. In all honesty, they have been the worst three years of my life … the worst … but yet, in some ways, the best. (Some days that’s difficult to say!)

You see a little over 25 years ago, I had packed my bags for myself and my baby son. I was going to leave my husband. I couldn’t take it any longer. He has what we now know to be Narcissistic Personality Disorder … among other things. Things were bad. I was not only a young mother, but a young Christian. I had everything packed in the car that I was planning on taking and headed back into the house to get my son to leave for good. On my walk inside to get my son I heard the Holy Spirit simply tell me to “stay.” I didn’t doubt at all what I heard. I chose obedience, unpacked the car, and stayed. It was years later before my husband ever knew that I had planned on leaving him.

The next nearly three decades were very difficult. It’s challenging for me to find good things throughout that time. It was like walking on eggshells every single day.

A few months before our son was born, the Lord impressed upon me to stay home with him … something that I had not planned on doing. I had a decent office job and had been offered a buyer’s position at a retailer upon my return to work. I turned down the job. I chose obedience. God used this time to stretch me. He showed me how to trust Him for finances now that we were a young family on one income. He showed me how to rely on Him to be a good wife and mom. And, He took this time to heal me from a challenging childhood. When my son was born, I was a baby Christian. I was insecure and had no self worth. I had been controlled by family members and then by a husband. God used this time to break those chains off of me and gave me a sense of self worth. He taught me who I am in Him … a child of the Most High God.

I can tell you those years were challenging … actually, more than challenging! Imperfectly, because no one is perfect, I did the best that I could. My husband travelled A LOT, so I pretty much raised our son by myself in his younger years. But, when he was in junior high my husband was home more. At that time I knew that the marriage was going down hill and pleaded with him for our relationship … to no avail. Please know that I don’t say these things with any harshness. I say it because it is simply the truth. (I will get to a point later in this blog.) And, numerous times over those many years, I would silently plead with God to let me go. Again, the answer was for me to stay. Since God told me to stay, I totally believed that He was going to heal and restore our marriage … completely. I say that with all sincerity! That never happened and it never will. Instead, things just kept getting worse and worse, especially after our son graduated from high school. What I was fighting against all those years ago when my son was in junior high totally unfolded before my eyes over the next several years.

So three years ago, due to the leading of the Lord, I went to California. My husband called and said he was divorcing me. At the end of that phone call, God gave me the sign that ensured that it was time to go back to Arkansas. The divorce happened very quickly! But, I knew that God had ordained this. NO … God hates divorce, don’t get me wrong. (Malachi 2:16) This is why He had me stay for so long. God DID want to restore our marriage, but it takes two dedicated people. The divorce didn’t come from me. It came from my now ex-husband. And, it has been one of those terrible divorces that you hear about or see in a TV program on the Lifetime network. I assure you the last three years have been the worst of my life. I have endured things that I never could have dreamed up. (1 Corinthians 7:15)

I say all of this to tell you that even though they have been the worst years ever … at the same time … in some miraculous ways … they have been the best. 

Choosing to be a stay at home wife/mom all those years ago, left me with little to no paid work experience, but that has been God’s plan all along. You see, I’ve been working forward to ministry … advancing God’s Kingdom … which is why this road has been so challenging. God has used this time to stretch my trust, my faith, and my belief in Him. He has taken me from one experience to another over the past several years by the leading of the Holy Spirit. This has not been easy. It’s been far from a “walk in the park.” 

But God … 

His ways are not like our ways. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

I have been divorced for a little over two years now, but am still not totally free from all ties with my ex-husband. When I left California, I was in a situation where I was going to be put out with little to nothing as quickly as possible. I had no idea what I was going to do. But you see, God wasn’t surprised by any of this … not at all. He already had a plan and I assure you it has not gone anything like I thought it would. (Jeremiah 29:11)  What and how the enemy was trying to do me in has not and will not come to pass! (Isaiah 54:17) God has kept me in the house that my ex-husband and I own together for the past two and and a half years without any money out of my pocket … zero, nada! God has also seen to it that I have money to live on … not a lot, but all my needs are met. He has exceeded my dreams so far by allowing me not one, but two trips to Australia for worship conferences there … everything totally paid, 100%! He has increased my profit from the selling of this house … no matter what it sells for! He has taken care of the severe carpal tunnel syndrome that I had in both hands for many, many years with surgery a year ago. Most importantly, he is healing the trauma of the past three decades. I could go on and on. (Philippians 4:19) I am totally bragging on God because He deserves it! 

Now, I’d like to tell you that I have sailed through this with perfect faith, trust, and belief in God … but, I’d be lying to you if I did. I can tell you that there have been plenty of days that I thought I would “throw in the towel” for ministry just to get some of the pressure off. But, deep down, I knew that I would be making a tremendous mistake if I did. In fact, I have struggled with trusting God at times. I have struggled with faith at times in knowing that all things will work out for the good for those who love God. (Romans 8:28) I have said, “God, I believe you, but help my unbelief,” very, very often. (Mark 9:24) This has not been an easy road and I will not play it down and pretend that it has been. I’m not perfect. And, don’t believe anyone who leads you to believe that they are, either! 

Deep down, I know that God did not have me go through three decades of troubling times (in marriage alone, not including my childhood) just to lead me to more troubling times. God will not do that. It’s not in His character. (Numbers 23:19) I may have struggled through the past three plus years in this stretching and growing process, but God sees my heart. (1 Samuel 16:7) That first year that I stayed home with my son, I laid myself prostrate on the floor and told God that I was a woman after His heart. (1 Samuel 13:14) And, I still do that from time to time … to remind myself. God believed me and is holding me to it … hallelujah!

So yes … these have been the worst three years of my life. But … they have been the best in a lot of ways. God has, even long before the divorce, given me glimpses of the future. He has given me glimpses of the future during these three years. He will not lead me astray, let me down, leave me, or forsake me … or you! (Proverbs 3:5-6, Deuteronomy 31:6)

It is so exciting to know that life is going to be different soon. Troubles or trying times will never go away completely as long as we’re this side of Heaven. (John 16:33) But, I know that I know that it is going to be good … soon.

Worst … and the best.   

Be Thankful ...Deliberately!

Many years ago, around 2003-04, my life was an absolute mess. I didn't really know what was happening. I was depressed. I had terrible anxiety ... and I didn't even know why. All I could do was cry out to God. I didn't have the support of family. As far as friends were concerned, I didn't have any that really cared about what I was going through. I WAS ALONE ... as far as humans were concerned. God was always there ... even when He didn't seem near. 

As I sought the Lord and even some counseling, I began to realize what had happened in my childhood that God was healing me of. There were many things that I never even realized. My eyes were blinded to some things, and others I had deliberately buried. I had never been taught how to deal with things properly. BUT GOD!! He sees all. He knows all. He IS in control of all things. And, He chose this time in my life to reveal to me what had happened that I just didn't understand ... and began the healing process.

I had closed myself off from everyone. I would literally strengthen myself to pick Nicholas up from school. I would do everything I could to be a loving, caring, and nurturing mom. There was no reason for my son to suffer for my own misfortune as a child. I wouldn't have it! 

The summer before his 4th grade year, I felt led of the Lord to begin selling my pepper jelly at the Farmer's Market in Bentonville. I went to the market, found a place to set up, and found myself next to the loveliest of couples ... Tom and Mary. This too, was their first time at selling things at the Farmer's Market. Instantly, we became the best of friends. They were wonderful Christians who loved me for who I was. Long before I ever confessed to them how I felt, they were like the mom and dad that I needed in my life. Eventually, they would tell people that I was their "adopted daughter." (They actually have five daughters of their own!) 

Fast forward to 2017 ... a few years ago, Tom went on to be with the Lord. Mary and I still talk. She is like a mom to me. I love her dearly. She has been a rock to me over the past several months, but especially the past couple of weeks.

I say all of this, not to place Tom and Mary on a pedestal, but to give God praise! He knew that I needed them in my life and they needed me. Sometimes I don't really "feel" like I do as much for Mary as she does for me, but somehow it all works out. God crosses the paths of people to help each other out as He works out His purposes in our lives. We may or may not see it at the time ... or even later. But, He works all things for the good for those who love Him. 

I can say that I'm grateful for the things that God worked out in my life at that time, as difficult as it was. Those things He brought to light and healed me of has enabled me to help many others since then. And, although I am going through a difficult time now, I can say that I am grateful for it ... because I know that He will bring good from it ... and eventually bring me to a point of helping others in my same situation. 

This Thanksgiving Eve, I just ended a call with my spiritual mom, Mary, whom I am eternally grateful for. Her 88 years on this earth has given her much wisdom. I am grateful to be someone who is able to glean wisdom from her life.

What or whom are you grateful for this holiday season? Don't overlook the small details. I assure you, if you look closely, you'll see the fingerprint of God on it. 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone ... God bless!  :)

What's the value of your sin?

So…first thing this morning, I saw a cartoon pic that had some men beating up another man who was lying on the ground, wearing a rainbow shirt and he was bleeding. The caption was…”If you’re using your Bible to hurt people, you’re using it wrong.”


I happen to agree with this statement. The Bible is our guide…our manual to living a Godly life. It’s not meant to be used to hurt others.


Is it up to us to point out everyone else’s sin? Or is it our job to examine ourselves for our own sin?

 I have found that it’s very easy to point out someone else’s sin, but that’s not my job. My job is to work out my own salvation…examine myself for sin in my own life. I ask God daily to show me if there is any sin in my life. I like to keep a blank page. I would have to say that a weak point for me is when I’m driving. I sometimes become angry…anger is an emotion that even God has…but my goal is that when I have anger, I don’t want to sin. But when I do sin, I realize it immediately and ask for forgiveness. It’s my job to allow the Holy Spirit to convict me of wrongdoing. I am uber aware of when I sin and I believe that’s because I keep a close walk with the Holy Spirit, who convicts me when I get it wrong. Philippians 2:12

 All too often in the Body of Christ, sins are given value. Is murder more of a sin than lying, cheating or gossiping? No, it isn’t. Sin is sin and the Bible clearly states what sin is whether it is lying, cheating, gluttony, homosexuality, fornication, adultery, abuse…sexual, physical, emotional or verbal, etc. Who are we to beat others up because we don’t like their sin more than we don’t like our own?


It’s time to have a look in the mirror…examine ourselves…and decide to live the life that God created us to live. When we look in that mirror, do we see ourselves…or do we see Jesus in our reflection? James 1:19-26


Jesus is the Light of the world and if we are Christ followers, we are the Light of the world as well. Let the Light of Jesus flow through you to all who see you. It’s the Light and Love of Jesus that will change the world, not us beating others up. Any and all who come to Jesus for salvation are subject to changing their lives to be more like Him…that’s a given. Let’s let the Holy Spirit do His job and let’s focus on ourselves, not others, to become all that He created us to be.

To Love Unconditionally Does Not Mean...

To love unconditionally does not mean to agree unreservedly.

What comes to mind immediately for me is just how much God loves me unconditionally…but He loves me…not my sin. (Romans 5:8)  Because He loves me so much, He won’t leave me that way.  He shows me my sin through His word and the Holy Spirit and gives me a way to overcome it through repentance and the blood of Jesus.  He loves me but He doesn’t agree with everything that I do, think or speak…and He lets me know where I falter.   

So often in our relationships, many believe that because we love them that we must agree with everything that they do, think or speak. You see, living life that way would not be living a life that is true to the Word of God.

In John 8:1-11 while Jesus was teaching at the Temple, the Pharisees and teachers of the religious law brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery to Him and wanted to stone her. Jesus told them that any of them who had not sinned to go ahead and cast the first stone.  One by one they dropped their stones and left.  But Jesus, who had no sin, didn’t stone her.  He told her to go and sin no more.

In this situation, Jesus not only pointed out to the woman that she should not sin anymore, He pointed out to the scribes and Pharisees that they were doing something wrong as well.  Because He didn’t agree with those folks…whom He loved…didn’t mean that He had to agree with everything that they did…and…so it is with us.  We, as Christ followers, must learn to love those around us.  But, loving others unconditionally doesn’t mean that we have to agree with everything that others do, think or speak.  We need to learn to stand firm in what God’s word says which means that we must speak the truth in love.  We must have a backbone, but not beat folks up!  God would be doing us a disservice if He didn’t show us where we sin and call us to repent.  Why would we need God if He didn’t call us to a higher place with Him?  If we didn’t need Him, then that means that Jesus would have given His life for nothing!  Oh how we need Jesus!

God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16 

I encourage you to love others unconditionally as God loves us, but stand firm in what God’s word says about sin.  Just because we love others doesn’t mean we must agree with them unreservedly.