Worst ... and the best!

August 12th, 2019 marked three years since I left to head to California for an internship at a church there. At the time when I left, my husband and I were on the same page … at least so I thought. When we were praying about this, the Lord gave me one word … “reset.” I believed that God was using this to reset our marriage, which was in definite need, even though we were on good terms when I left. This internship was a “miracle” for me … at least so I thought. Almost immediately, I realized that the internship was a flop, but both my husband and I heard from the Lord that I was to stay in California. The Lord told me that I would be as certain of the time to return as I was to go there. So, I stayed, in faith. I assure you, this was very difficult for me. God was stretching me like I had never been stretched before. The good from my six months in California is that I did hear the Lord to stay, and I had a wonderful opportunity to be a Christian witness to female refugees from Afghanistan. It was a wonderful experience that I still support and look back on as a win, win situation. The bad news that came was when I knew it was time to return to Arkansas. It didn’t happen at all the way I expected. My husband called me to tell me he was divorcing me. He had led me to believe that he was coming out west for a vacation. I was planning a vacation … he was planning a divorce. 

Well, I said it had been three years. A lot has happened in these three years. In all honesty, they have been the worst three years of my life … the worst … but yet, in some ways, the best. (Some days that’s difficult to say!)

You see a little over 25 years ago, I had packed my bags for myself and my baby son. I was going to leave my husband. I couldn’t take it any longer. He has what we now know to be Narcissistic Personality Disorder … among other things. Things were bad. I was not only a young mother, but a young Christian. I had everything packed in the car that I was planning on taking and headed back into the house to get my son to leave for good. On my walk inside to get my son I heard the Holy Spirit simply tell me to “stay.” I didn’t doubt at all what I heard. I chose obedience, unpacked the car, and stayed. It was years later before my husband ever knew that I had planned on leaving him.

The next nearly three decades were very difficult. It’s challenging for me to find good things throughout that time. It was like walking on eggshells every single day.

A few months before our son was born, the Lord impressed upon me to stay home with him … something that I had not planned on doing. I had a decent office job and had been offered a buyer’s position at a retailer upon my return to work. I turned down the job. I chose obedience. God used this time to stretch me. He showed me how to trust Him for finances now that we were a young family on one income. He showed me how to rely on Him to be a good wife and mom. And, He took this time to heal me from a challenging childhood. When my son was born, I was a baby Christian. I was insecure and had no self worth. I had been controlled by family members and then by a husband. God used this time to break those chains off of me and gave me a sense of self worth. He taught me who I am in Him … a child of the Most High God.

I can tell you those years were challenging … actually, more than challenging! Imperfectly, because no one is perfect, I did the best that I could. My husband travelled A LOT, so I pretty much raised our son by myself in his younger years. But, when he was in junior high my husband was home more. At that time I knew that the marriage was going down hill and pleaded with him for our relationship … to no avail. Please know that I don’t say these things with any harshness. I say it because it is simply the truth. (I will get to a point later in this blog.) And, numerous times over those many years, I would silently plead with God to let me go. Again, the answer was for me to stay. Since God told me to stay, I totally believed that He was going to heal and restore our marriage … completely. I say that with all sincerity! That never happened and it never will. Instead, things just kept getting worse and worse, especially after our son graduated from high school. What I was fighting against all those years ago when my son was in junior high totally unfolded before my eyes over the next several years.

So three years ago, due to the leading of the Lord, I went to California. My husband called and said he was divorcing me. At the end of that phone call, God gave me the sign that ensured that it was time to go back to Arkansas. The divorce happened very quickly! But, I knew that God had ordained this. NO … God hates divorce, don’t get me wrong. (Malachi 2:16) This is why He had me stay for so long. God DID want to restore our marriage, but it takes two dedicated people. The divorce didn’t come from me. It came from my now ex-husband. And, it has been one of those terrible divorces that you hear about or see in a TV program on the Lifetime network. I assure you the last three years have been the worst of my life. I have endured things that I never could have dreamed up. (1 Corinthians 7:15)

I say all of this to tell you that even though they have been the worst years ever … at the same time … in some miraculous ways … they have been the best. 

Choosing to be a stay at home wife/mom all those years ago, left me with little to no paid work experience, but that has been God’s plan all along. You see, I’ve been working forward to ministry … advancing God’s Kingdom … which is why this road has been so challenging. God has used this time to stretch my trust, my faith, and my belief in Him. He has taken me from one experience to another over the past several years by the leading of the Holy Spirit. This has not been easy. It’s been far from a “walk in the park.” 

But God … 

His ways are not like our ways. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

I have been divorced for a little over two years now, but am still not totally free from all ties with my ex-husband. When I left California, I was in a situation where I was going to be put out with little to nothing as quickly as possible. I had no idea what I was going to do. But you see, God wasn’t surprised by any of this … not at all. He already had a plan and I assure you it has not gone anything like I thought it would. (Jeremiah 29:11)  What and how the enemy was trying to do me in has not and will not come to pass! (Isaiah 54:17) God has kept me in the house that my ex-husband and I own together for the past two and and a half years without any money out of my pocket … zero, nada! God has also seen to it that I have money to live on … not a lot, but all my needs are met. He has exceeded my dreams so far by allowing me not one, but two trips to Australia for worship conferences there … everything totally paid, 100%! He has increased my profit from the selling of this house … no matter what it sells for! He has taken care of the severe carpal tunnel syndrome that I had in both hands for many, many years with surgery a year ago. Most importantly, he is healing the trauma of the past three decades. I could go on and on. (Philippians 4:19) I am totally bragging on God because He deserves it! 

Now, I’d like to tell you that I have sailed through this with perfect faith, trust, and belief in God … but, I’d be lying to you if I did. I can tell you that there have been plenty of days that I thought I would “throw in the towel” for ministry just to get some of the pressure off. But, deep down, I knew that I would be making a tremendous mistake if I did. In fact, I have struggled with trusting God at times. I have struggled with faith at times in knowing that all things will work out for the good for those who love God. (Romans 8:28) I have said, “God, I believe you, but help my unbelief,” very, very often. (Mark 9:24) This has not been an easy road and I will not play it down and pretend that it has been. I’m not perfect. And, don’t believe anyone who leads you to believe that they are, either! 

Deep down, I know that God did not have me go through three decades of troubling times (in marriage alone, not including my childhood) just to lead me to more troubling times. God will not do that. It’s not in His character. (Numbers 23:19) I may have struggled through the past three plus years in this stretching and growing process, but God sees my heart. (1 Samuel 16:7) That first year that I stayed home with my son, I laid myself prostrate on the floor and told God that I was a woman after His heart. (1 Samuel 13:14) And, I still do that from time to time … to remind myself. God believed me and is holding me to it … hallelujah!

So yes … these have been the worst three years of my life. But … they have been the best in a lot of ways. God has, even long before the divorce, given me glimpses of the future. He has given me glimpses of the future during these three years. He will not lead me astray, let me down, leave me, or forsake me … or you! (Proverbs 3:5-6, Deuteronomy 31:6)

It is so exciting to know that life is going to be different soon. Troubles or trying times will never go away completely as long as we’re this side of Heaven. (John 16:33) But, I know that I know that it is going to be good … soon.

Worst … and the best.   

What do you believe?

Lately the Lord has had me stay focused on chapters 10 and 15 in John.  This morning, John 15:24 stood out to me.  “If I had not done among them the works which no one else did, they would have no sin; but now they have seen and also hated both me and my Father.”  These are words spoken by Jesus.  Throughout the previous text, Jesus had been ridiculed and criticized for “doing good works.”  Now, the good works that Jesus was doing were things like, healing the sick, giving sight to the blind, revealing sin in lives and releasing them to “go and sin no more.”  Jesus knew who He was.  He was God in flesh allowing the Holy Spirit to heal, give sight, etc. 

In John 15:24, it says that if he had not done these works, they would have no sin.  I find this very interesting because basically, it was the Jews / Pharisees (the religious leaders of the time) who were criticizing Jesus … to the point that they wanted to kill Him.  John 10:31-33 (Hmmm … what about that commandment, “Thou shalt not kill??)

The religious leaders of that time knew the word.  They had it memorized.  They had it down.  But, when God in the flesh stood in front of them, they didn’t know Him.  They saw the good works He did and claimed that He had a demon.  But some said, “These are not the words of a demon, can a demon open the eyes of the blind?”  John 10:21

The good works that Jesus did an does seem to be a stumbling block for us. Why is that?  Why is it so difficult for us to believe that miracles do happen … everyday … great or small. ( as seen by human eyes. It’s just as simple for God to do a “small” miracle as it is a “great miracle.”)

Ecclesiastes 1:9 says, “There is nothing new under the sun.” Basically, Solomon is saying that history repeats itself.  It’s all been done before. Mankind will repeat the same things over and over again year after year, decade after decade, and millennia after millennia.  We shouldn’t be surprised when we see these things being repeated.  But, I believe the question is; “Do we even see when history is repeating itself … in religious leadership, in the government, in the work place, in our own little world … in ourselves?”  You see, I don’t have to look very far in my own life to see that history is repeating or has repeated itself.  I don’t have to look very far in my world, religious leadership near or far, or in the government to see that history is repeating itself. But, I have to look to God to give me eyes to see it.  And, I have to look to God to know how to make the proper changes.  History does repeat itself, but what can and should we learn from it to make changes at any and all levels?

Twenty years ago, I helped a single mom with a teenage child get her sight back from blindness due to fast growing cataracts.  God led us to an organization that took care of her issues one hundred percent!  She had lost her job due to literal blindness and was living on $350 a month.  I watched religious leaders turn their backs on her.  In fact, my pastor at that time told me that he didn’t give pearls to swine.  He really did say that! Unbelievable!! History repeating … Luke 10:25-37  Now, as I got to know this woman, she revealed to me that her dream was to have a soup kitchen for the lost and hungry.  I have to tell you, I encouraged this woman to follow her dream.  I didn’t discourage her because of her situation or what the world … or fellow Christians would consider her “status” to be in society.  That’s not for me to do.  Her dream is between her and God and it’s for her to work out with Him. 

Just recently I was out and about and saw an acquaintance that I hadn’t seen in about a year.  She asked how I was doing.  The last time she had seen me, I was in much emotional pain due to the recent announcement that my husband was divorcing me.  The divorce is now old news and I’m in a much better place … not where I want to be, but working towards it.  As I explained to her all that God had done and is doing, the countenance on her face began to change, not for the good, and physically she even backed up from me a bit … as though there was something wrong with me.  She then literally looked away and walked away from me as I was in mid sentence.  No, you see, there’s “nothing wrong with me.”  I’m simply working out God’s will for my life.  She had told me of God’s will for her life and I rejoiced with her.  I didn’t make a judgment that she was incapable of following the dreams that God has placed inside of her.  I certainly didn’t receive the same encouragement from her and I won’t let her unbelief discourage me, either.  Again, unbelief in God’s good works.

We, too easily, can know God’s word … inside and out … but, can get hung up on His good works.  If we believe that we know completely how God works things out, we are fooling ourselves, and basically, we are placing ourselves as God when or if we make a determination that someone is “incapable” of something.  That’s not our job and it doesn’t work that way.  God does what He wants, and it’s not always the way we would do it or even comprehend it.  “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither  are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”  Isaiah 55:8-9

Recently, I had a gentleman tell me that it’s not possible for us to hear God’s voice.  He found it necessary to tell me four different times in about a minute that he was a religious leader and that he had never heard God’s voice.  Again, a stumbling block.  God is the same yesterday, today, and forever.  He can and will speak to us whatever way He chooses.  We must be willing to listen.  See Numbers 22:21-39

We must be very careful.  Jesus said that if He hadn’t done those good works, they would not have sinned.  I believe that is very relevant for us today.  We must not allow ourselves to get caught in unbelief because of the good works that Jesus is doing all around us, through others who are willing to allow Him to work through them.  And, when I say this, I’m in no way saying that we should believe everything that we see, hear, or experience.  We must use wisdom, which God provides.  If any of you lacks wisdom, ask of God and He will give it without reproach. James 1:5

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again and again; many of us in the church have become dependent upon our own experiences and, knowingly or unknowingly, decided what is or isn’t of God.  Instead of being led by the Holy Spirit, many of us are leading with worldly head knowledge instead.  By doing that, we are, knowingly or unknowingly, placing restrictions on God … placing Him in a box.  You see, if we choose not to believe, we’re literally keeping the Holy Spirit from working in all the ways that He could. You can read about how Jesus was unable to do many miracles in home town in Matthew.  “He did not do many miracles due to their lack of faith.” John 13:58  Are we, as the Church, stopping God from doing many miracles due to our lack of faith?  Do we persecute those who do have the faith to believe in God’s very creative miracles?  Do we seek to stone them with our words, simply because we choose to not believe?

Jesus went about doing good.  Acts 10:38. He had an unlimited supply of the Holy Sprit, as do we, when we are filled with the Holy Spirit like Jesus was.  John 3:34  And we, as followers of Christ and co-heirs with Him, have the same Holy Spirit.  All we need to do is simply believe.

There was a man in the Bible whose son was taken over by a demon.  He sought Jesus to heal him.  Jesus said to the man “If you believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”  The man said, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.”  Mark 9:14-29  Jesus then cast out the demon and the boy was healed.

I believe there are many in the church who don’t even believe that casting demons out is necessary in this day and age.  This is very far from the truth.  I, myself, was a part of a group of women who cast demons out of a lovely young woman who had been greatly abused in her short twenty-one years of life.  We watched her transform from being bipolar, depressed, anxious, and on medication to a whole person, free from the demons (and medication) who had controlled her life due to situations beyond her control.  This is the healing power of Christ Jesus our Lord and Savior!

Do you believe?  Do you need help for your unbelief?  I have to tell you that in my own life, I pray that scripture often at times … especially in the past two years.  I have been in situations where I didn’t understand why certain things were happening or sometimes even what was happening.  I trusted God because I believed Him.  But, I prayed for Him to help any unbelief that I had within me, as well.  I’m very grateful for that scripture.

As the Church, the Body of Christ, we need to take our hands off of things more and allow God to work through us.  We need to ask anew for eyes to see as God sees, ears to hear clearly what the Holy Spirit is speaking to us, and help for our unbelief.  Having unbelief about certain things isn’t necessarily a bad thing because we’re human.  We need God’s help.  If we didn’t need help with unbelief from time to time, there wouldn’t be a story about in in God’s word, and we wouldn’t need God.

Ultimately, we need to see God’s good works for what they are.  We don’t need to fear them and, in turn like the Jews of Jesus’ time did, deny them.

God is the same, yesterday, today, and forever. Hebrews 13:8  He is in control, not us.

We really don’t want to repeat the things that the Jews of Jesus’ time did … ultimately denying the good works of God, do we?  Let’s not let history repeat itself on our watch. There are so many lost and / or hurting in the world, and the church, as well.  Let’s  take our hands off and with wisdom, embrace God’s healing and restoring powers.  Let’s choose to ask for help with any unbelief we may have so that we don’t hinder God from moving in our lives or the lives of those around us.

He is God. We are not. 

Let’s not allow unbelief to keep us form God’s best for us … keeping us from fully impacting the world around us for the advancement of God’s Kingdom!